The power of Forgiveness

We’ve all heard the adage “forgive and forget” when someone has wronged us. The idea is that this will keep the peace, preserve relationships, and maintain a calm mind.

Sounds good, but can you really do that — forgive an offense and then forget about it? And is that the best action to take?

Because this advice has been handed out for ages, you might think it’s rooted in deep wisdom, and it must be easy to do.

Wisdom? Yes, in part. Easy? No, definitely not.

This adage that we’re all so familiar with might be more properly phrased as, “forgive, but don’t forget.”

Many people have misconceptions about what forgiveness really means—and they may eschew it. Others may want to forgive, but wonder whether or not they truly can. Forgiveness does not necessarily come easily; but it is possible for many of us to achieve, if we have the right tools and are willing to put in the effort.

Forgiveness can take years. You may feel yourself letting go of hurt little by little until one day you feel a weight lifted off of you. You may feel like you have forgiven someone, and then the next day, it feels like it never happened. All of this is normal.
The mental and physical health benefits of forgiveness

If you’re still having trouble forgiving, especially when you can’t forget, there may be some good reasons to continue trying.

• Forgiving is critical for our emotional well-being. By refusing to forgive someone, you may be holding on to all the anger and pain that their actions might have created. This can take an emotional and physical toll. practicing forgiveness might help reduce stress, anxiety, and the likelihood of depression.

• We don’t forget — we learn. Each experience teaches us something, even the painful ones. Forgetting means you’re forgoing the lesson and growth that can come from it. Instead, consider using it to better equip you for the future.

• Forgiving strengthens relationships. All relationships have the potential to deepen and thrive because of what occurred. forgiving your partner may be crucial to maintaining a healthy romantic relationship. Forgiving may encourage you to become more committed to not allowing divisive and hurtful conflicts to occur in the future.

• Forgiveness has a positive effect on your physical health. Have you heard the phrase, “Being eaten up inside”? Those festering feelings can increase blood pressure and inflammation leading to potential heart problems.

Tips for how to forgive without forgetting
If you’re having trouble figuring out how to begin the process, consider the following tips:

• Identify and articulate the things you’d like to forgive. Too often, hurts and offenses get intertwined and knotted up. They may not even come from the same source. To start the process, try to be specific about what you’d like to forgive.

• Understand forgiveness. Forgiveness is a process and requires effort and patience.

• Acknowledge forgiveness. Try to think about what forgiveness will do for you, not for them.

• Forget about forgetting. It’s not really possible to forget, nor is it necessary.

• Find perspective. This may require putting some distance between you and someone else, talking with a friend or family member, or even seeking counseling to therapist or spiritual speaker.

• Be ready to repeat the process. It can take more than one try to reach the point of being able to forgive.

As you read through these steps, think about how you might adapt forgiveness to your own life.
It’s important to figure out who has hurt you and how. This may seem obvious; but not every action that causes you suffering is unjust. For example, you don’t need to forgive your child or your spouse for being imperfect, even if their imperfections are inconvenient for you.

You may be able to do this accounting on your own, or you may need the help of a therapist. However you approach looking at your pain be sure you do it in an environment that feels safe and supportive.

You may be able to put an entire narrative together for the person who hurt you—from early child through adulthood—or just imagine it from what you know. You may be able to see her physical frailties and psychological suffering, and begin to understand the common humanity that you share. You may recognize her as a vulnerable person who was wounded and wounded you in return. Despite what she may have done to hurt you, you realize that she did not deserve to suffer, either.
Recognizing that we all carry wounds in our hearts can help open the door to forgiveness.

Most of us tend to be harder on ourselves than we are on others and we struggle to love ourselves. If you are not feeling lovable because of actions you’ve taken, you may need to work on self-forgiveness and offer to yourself what you offer to others who have hurt you: a sense of inherent worth, despite your actions.
After you have been able to self-forgive, you will also need to engage in seeking forgiveness from others whom you’ve harmed and right the wrongs as best as you can.

When we overcome suffering, we gain a more mature understanding of what it means to be humble, courageous, and loving in the world. We may be moved to create an atmosphere of forgiveness in our homes and workplaces, to help others who’ve been harmed overcome their suffering, or to protect our communities from a cycle of hatred and violence. All of these choices can lighten the heart and bring joy to one’s life.

Some people possess a special capacity for forgiving the unforgivable but not everyone is capable of radical forgiveness, nor does everyone strive for it.

Last words from Lerner…

• There are many paths to healing that do not require forgiveness

• You do not need to forgive a person who has hurt you in order to free yourself from emotional pain

• You are not less loving or a whole person if there are certain things you do not forgive, and certain people whom you choose not to see

• You can even reach a place of love and compassion for the wrongdoer without forgiving a particular action or inaction